Anne
ListerAnne
Lister
1821
Monday
29 January 1821 [Halifax]
Cutting
curl papers half an hour ... Arranging & putting away my last year's letters.
Looked over & burnt several very old ones from indifferent people ... Burnt
... Mr Montagu's farewell verses that no trace of any man's admiration may
remain. It is not meet for me. I love, & only love, the fairer sex &
thus beloved by them in turn, my heart revolts from any other love than theirs.
Thursday
8 February 1821 [Halifax]
Came
upstairs at 11 a.m. Spent my time from. then till 3, writing to M- very
affectionately, more so than I remember to have done for long ... Wrote the
following crypt, 'I can live upon hope, forget that we grow older, & love
you as warmly as ever. Yes, Mary, you cannot doubt the love of one who has
waited for you so long & patiently. You can give me all of happiness I care
for &, prest to the heart which I believe my own, caressed & treasured
there, I will indeed be constant & never, from that moment, feel a wish or
thought for any other than my wife. You shall have every smile & every
breath of tenderness. "One shall our union & our interests be"
& every wish that love inspires & every kiss & every dear feeling of
delight shall only make me more securely & entirely yours.' Then, after
hoping to see her in York next winter & at Steph's before the end of the
summer, I further wrote in crypt as follows, 'I do not like to be too long
estranged from you sometimes, for, Mary, there is a nameless tie in that soft
intercourse which blends us into one & makes me feel that you are mine.
There is no feeling like it. There is no pledge which gives such sweet
possession.'
Monday
12 February 1821 [Halifax]
Letter
... from Anne Belcombe (Petergate, York) ... nothing but news & concluded, 'from
your ever sincere, affectionate, Anne Belcombe.' The seal, Cupid in a boat
guided by a star. 'Si je te perds, je suis perdu." Such
letters as these will keep up much love on my part. I shall not think much about
her but get out of the scrape as well as I can, sorry & remorseful to have
been in it at all. Heaven forgive me, & may M- never know it.
Wednesday
14 February 1821 [Halifax]
From
1 to 3, read the first 100pp. vol. 3 Leontine de Blondheim ... It is altogether
a very interesting thing & I have read it with a sort of melancholy feeling,
the very germ of which I thought had died for ever. I cried a good deal over the
second & more over the third this morning, & as soon as I was alone
during supper. Arlhofe reminds me of C-, Leontine of M-, & Wallerstein of
myself. I find my former feelings are too soon awakened & I have, still,
more romance than can let me bear the stimulus, the fearful rousing, of novel
reading. I must not indulge in it. I must keep to graver things & strongly
occupy myself with other thoughts & perpetual exertions. I am not happy. I
get into what I have been led with ... Anne. Oh, that I were more virtuous &
quiet. Reflection distracts me & now I could cry like a child but will not,
must not give way.
Sunday
18 February 1821 [Halifax]
George
took to the post office, this morning, my letter to Anne Belcombe (Petergate,
York). There was the following observation on the 2nd page...'You know I am not
always happy; it is my misfortune to be singular in sentiment, & there lies
the source of all that I lament in practice or in thought, & thence the
deadly shaft that poisons my tranquillity. "But, mortal pleasure, what art
thou in truth! The torrent's smoothness ere it dash below!"' Mary, Mary, if
thou wert with me, I think I should be happy.
Saturday
13 July 1822 [Llangollen]
Two
kisses last night, one almost immediately after the other, before we went to
sleep ... Felt better, but was so shockingly low last night I cried bitterly but
smothered it so that M- scarcely knew of it. At any rate, she took no notice,
wisely enough ... M- told me of the gentlemanliness & agreeableness of Mr
Powis who, it seems, might interest Mmore than duly had her heart no object but
C-, with whom she has had no connection these four months. Not down to breakfast
till I I ... then, perhaps luckily for us, all in a bustle & M-off at 21. We
were off in 1/2 hour.
Got
here, the King's Head, New Hotel, Llangollen, patronized by Lady Eleanor Butler
& Miss Ponsonby, in 44 hours ... Beautiful drive from Chester to Wrexham. It
was market day & the town seemed very busy. Beautiful drive, also, from
Wrexham here but I was perhaps disappointed with the first couple of miles of
the vale of Llangollen The hills naked of wood & the white limestone
quarries on our left certainly not picturesque. About 3 miles from Llangollen,
when Castle Dinas Bran came in sight, we were satisfiede of the beauties of the
valley but the sun was setting on the castle & so dazzled our eyes we could
scarce look that way. The inn, kept by Elizabeth Davies, is close to the bridge
& washed by the river Dee. We are much taken with our hostess & with the
place. Have had an excellent roast leg of mutton, & trout, & very fine
port wine, with every possible attention ... We sat down to dinner at 8-1/2,
having previously strolled thro' the town to Lady Eleanor Butler's & Miss
Ponsonby's place. There is a public road close to the house, thro' the grounds,
& along this we passed & repassed standing to look at the house, cottage,
which is really very pretty. A great many of the people touched their hats to us
on passing & we are much struck with their universal civility. A little [girl],
seeing us apparently standing to consider our way, shewed us the road to Plas
Newys (Lady Eleanor Butler's & Miss Ponsonby's), followed & answered our
several questions very civilly. A little boy then came & we gave each of
them all our halfpence, 2d. each.
After
dinner (the people of the house took it at 10), wrote the following note,'To the
Right Honourable Lady Eleanor Butler & Miss Ponsonby, Plasnewyd. Mrs &
Miss Lister take the liberty of presenting their compliments to Lady Eleanor
Butler & Miss Ponsonby, & of asking permission to see their grounds at
Plas Newyd in the course of tomorrow morning. Miss Lister, at the suggestion of
Mr Banks, had intended herself the honour of calling on her ladyship & Miss
Ponsonby, & hopes she may be allowed to express her very great regret at
hearing of her ladyship's indisposition. King's Head Hotel. Saturday evening. 13
July. 'The message returned was that we should see the grounds at 12 tomorrow.
This will prevent our going to church, which begins at 11 & will not be over
till after 1. The service is principally in Welsh except the lesson & sermon
every 2nd Sunday & tomorrow is the English day. Lady Eleanor Butler has been
couched. She ventured out too soon & caught cold. Her medical man (Mr Lloyd
for Ewyd] Jones of [indecipherable]) positively refuses her seeing anyone. Her
cousin, Lady Mary Ponsonby, passed thro' not long ago & did not see her.
Friday
11 July 1823 [Halifax]
Miss
Pickford came at 61 ... staid with us till about 9 ... I talked rather more
nonsensically last night. She owned to growing a little romantic now & then.
Surprised me by hinting that Miss Threlfall would, perhaps, be jealous of me
&, altogether, it absolutely occurred to me that, if I chose it, I could
even make a fool of Miss Pickford. My aunt observes she looks at me as if she
was very fond of me. She certainly softens down a little with me & flatters
me both in word & action in every way she can.
Saturday
12 July 1823 [Halifax]
Could
not sleep last night. Dozing, hot & disturbed ... a violent longing for a
female companion came over me. Never remember feeling it so painfully before ...
It was absolute pain to me.
Sunday
14 September 1823 [Scarborough]
M-
& I went out at 4 & sauntered on the sands to the Spa & beyond it
till near 5. Met the girls coming to say dinner was ready. Sat down to dinner at
5. In the evening, from 6-3/4 to 8, M- & Lou & little Charles Milne
& I sauntered along the North sands as far as Scorby Mill. Darkish when we
got back. Meaning to go to bed soon, came up to my dressing room at 9.50...
Perhaps about 12-1/2 every door & window in the house seemed to rattle,
which disturbed us exceedingly. At Ist, we thought someone [was] breaking into
the house but the continuance of the noises & the pattering of rain soon
ushered in a tremendous thunder storm. Very vivid, fast-succeeding flashes of
lightning enlightened the whole room. After some time came 1 or 2 tremendous
peals of thunder & the heaviest rain I almost ever heard. In the midst of
all this, we drew close together, made love & had one of the most
delightfully long, tender kisses we have ever had. Said she, in the midst of it,
'Oh, don't leave me yet.' This renewed & redoubled my feelings & we
slept in each other's arms.
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